2 posts tagged “hate”

I'm sweating like...well, no, not a pig. Pigs don't sweat - did you know that? They have no sweat glands. None. (Kind of makes the whole 'sweating like a pig' gesture seem warped, doesn't it...? I really wish I sweated like a pig. Then I would stink. Which I do, by the way, whether or not you think so. I fucking reek.) I can't stop moving though. I'm restless and listening to pirate music - what else would I do...? I mean, I can't help being restless. Pirate music gets me riled, and I'm pretty much in hell right now. Well, almost.

I want Fuji-sama to come back. I miss her. I miss being able to totally drown myself in Oshima. Oshima is wonderful. Wonderful and far away. And there's angst there - Shisui and Itachi have issues, certainly. Certainly certainly certainly. But that doesn't mean it all goes to hell. And even then, hell in Oshima is so much nicer than hell is here.

I've got anger issues when it comes to my father. Have I mentioned that? I think I probably should. Don't get me wrong; my father is my father. He takes good care of me. I love him. There are times when I really don't though. (Guess what? Now qualifies.)

Because, honestly, I didn't need to know he was going to Europe with her, and yes, I certainly will use her name (Katrina, what a pretty name for such a pretty lady) and I will hate you for allowing me an image to couple with this disembodied hatred that I should not nurture, because it hurts to have. I will not say a word, because I know how I easily I hurt your feelings. I know it took alot of courage to do what you've just done. ...betray me...? I know all you want to do is be a good father to me and my sister.

But you're never around Dad. You're never there. And I know that we don't interact at your house as much as you'd like, and I know we have nice conversations sometimes, and I know that there are times when we feel like we're family, like we really know each other, but you're never there Dad. Because if you were, you would fucking understand.

"I was sort of expecting your mother to find someone before I did."

Well, if you were around you would understand why she hasn't. She doesn't have time, Dad. She doesn't have time for much of a life apart from us, and do you know why? It's because she is always there. Without fail. She sacrifices everything for us Dad. You work. That's super. But she is there. She has never left my side, and never not tried to do what's best for my sister and I. She lives for us, Dad. Do you understand that? Because I don't think there's anyway you could.

You have never been here, there is no way that you could see the way my mother bends and breaks herself to keep my sister and I as happy as we can be. She does everything in her power to keep us happy. She is brave and strong and gives us her all no matter what. She has never let me down, Dad.

And my mother hasn't found anybody because she knows that I have a mother and a father and a sister, and no one else. I am not letting anyone in, and my mother respects that.

Why couldn't you respect that? If you have someone I didn't need to know. I don't really want to know too much about the way you live here, in your little City of Love, Dad. I'd really rather imagine you as being very much alone because it would be the least you could do to console me, you know? You left. Not me.

"I just want to be honest with you."

I wish I could say the same, Dad.